Pout

The bf is not coming home from his trip tomorrow like he had planned. His job gave him more time off and so he's staying longer. I'm happy for him and sad for me. Why am I so needy lately? I don't get it.

Life is Short. Be Direct.

Made the decision tonight that it is high time I got around to being honest and direct with friends that have fallen by the wayside. I realize I feel guilty and maybe a bit hurt that we no longer talk and so I want to clear the air. I want to try to fix things that can be fixed. Life is too short to wander around all awkward and weird when a few short words can clear up simple misunderstandings. Or when "I'm sorry" is all that someone needs to hear me say and then connections are reestablished and everyone is friends again, but somehow more aware of the feelings of the other person.

It feels a little like autumn cleaning of yucky, stuck-on hang-ups and emotions. It feels good.

Really, what IS the point?

Have been avoiding this blog. Wait. That's a lie. I'd given up on this blog. And yet, something always brings me back with new ideas and such. Have been toying around with the idea of starting another blog, to write about my issues with eczema, but then that one fizzled out. I mean, I already have a blog, I could keep writing in it. Change is natural and just because the purpose or focus of this blog has changed to the point of being unrecognizable doesn't mean I should just give it up. Eventually everything changes. It's a good thing. And it doesn't need to be hidden.

But the nagging question is...why am I blogging? Originally it was a way to keep in contact with my family overseas as I was teaching in France two years ago. While in France I naively discovered that there are people who write about their lives and make money off it. And I was all like, "wouldn't it be great if I could do that". So I started trying to be clever. Which isn't really clever, its just an affectation. Besides, I can't write with the expectation that I'm writing to a fickle audience. I'd just as soon write to nobody. Which is what I've been doing now for a good long time. I have a private journal where I can really let all the shit out, work through emotions and hard times. The only problem is...I only write in my journal during hard times. There's gotta be some space to celebrate life, and all it's tiny victories. And thus I find my purpose again. I'm chronicling life so that it doesn't pass me by, so that I can really experience it and reflect upon it.

I'm also trying to be more honest and open. Trying to not care so much what people think. I find in my most intimate relationships that my passive-aggressive tendencies are not productive. So maybe this blog (if I can manage to keep it up) will be a place for me to practice being honest and open, instead of silent and stifled. So I can do it more in real life.

And that's all, really. I'm gonna try and update daily. It probably won't happen all the time. But I really want to try and take the time to see my life in a bit of retrospect. Glance back at the day and see the patterns of what takes place over time. Milestones. Taking into account the past and the future. And the present, of course.

Big Kisses,

Cindy