Hmm. Blogging at the beginning of November, and then right at the end. Ah well, at least I'm trying.

I'm at my lunch escape from a busy day of student teaching ESL students in a French immersion school. Feeling...tired. Yesterday I sort of went through the day in a haze, thinking, "I must figure out what to do with these kids!" but having no thoughts consequently come through my muddled head. Later on last night, at Wilde Roast Cafe, the ideas just poured out of me, and now I'm on fire. But still "le tired". I think one of the French interns tried to talk to me, but I was at that point tuned out, thinking about whether my lunch would need another minute to thaw out. No idea what she was trying to say. And then I walked out. I probably looked really rude, but I just didn't understand. And I also have to make a worksheet, write a lesson plan, and figure out if I have any usable video. During my lunch time.

On the way in this morning I kept thinking how great it would be to have a snow day. At the age of 25, it remains that glimmering surprise that could be just around the corner of any winter day. And while I look forward to many things as a teacher, I am definitely looking forward to the chance to have snow days and winter and summer vacations.

This blog post has absolutely no point at all. Except maybe to make me think of where I am right now: it's the last week of my full time student teaching at this placement. Next week I go back to part time, and then I'll say goodbye to l'Etoile du Nord:( And to my university classes:)

And then it's one semester down, Spring semester, two student teaching placements, May term, one student teaching placement and summer classes to go until I am done. Wheeee!

The Positive Place

So there's this book out there called "The Secret" and it's set up like a huge, well, secret that only a select few people know to find true happiness and everything you seek in life. In truth, the "secret" is about manifesting what you want in life by focusing on it. I'm still undecided as to whether or not this works or not, but I figure it does no harm to concentrate on a view of the future where I am confident, competent and all goes well for me and those I love. Hell, I'll even extend it to a picture where the entire world is at peace and happiness reigns.

Tonight I find myself trying really hard to focus on good things in my near and distant future. That fear thing keeps wanting to come in...it's quite persistent, but I just keep this vision of happiness and success in my mind in the hopes that it will stick and become a part of my life. Because I certainly don't feel very happy or successful right now. So many things I feel I have no clue how to do. It all seems like too much for one person to handle, so I flick my switch to "avoid" and then end up farther behind.

What I want to know is, how do those capable people who seem to have everything sorted out and in line in their lives do it? And why can't I? But these questions lead me down the path of negativity and self-doubt. So I'm choosing to direct my thoughts to a positive place, where the seemingly impossible happens. Besides, it feels better than being in that dark place.

Facing vs Feeding Fears

Okay. Now's about the time when I need to shake myself and say, "Stop. Avoiding. Your. Crap." See, the problem is that I have this issue. I eat when I want to avoid my shit. Everybody has a way of avoiding their crap. I tend to think it's a human thing and it's also magnified by a society that focuses on instant gratification. Feel better now vs expressing the unpleasant feeling and then moving on... ideally to better, growth-related things. I have to admit, I'm afraid I'll just move on to more unpleasant things. Life seems to be filled with them.

Okay. So somebody needs to take her Prozac. It's that dark time of year, when you know that winter is coming and the feet of snow and the frozen cars and the short daylight hours are just around the corner. It's easy for me to go into panic mode and think, "We'll all be all alone and isolated all winter long and it will be horrible!" As if we all live miles from each other in the middle of nowhere and had no outside contact at all. It's okay. I'll be fine once winter arrives and I realize that it's just a good excuse to be late, to sit around fires with your friends and plan cozy game nights and drink hot chocolate (or tea in my case...grrr). But for now I feel that foreboding fear that I always feel in late autumn...soon we'll all die.

But back to the eating to avoid my crap thing. I have eating issues. I actually think it's fairly normal. I often wonder how many young women my age have what would technically be considered an eating disorder. Or how many men do too, for that matter. The only thing that was outside the norm in my case was that I realized it was a huge problem for me a few years ago and I got help. Unfortunately, eating disorders never truly go away...they're always lurking in the background. Still, I'm in a much better place. My self-image has improved, I want to be healthy and fully experience the amazing mechanism that is my body. But sometimes those old habits get in the way. One of my favorite coping strategies is eating while simultaneously zoning out (via TV, a book, anything). The more stress, the worse it gets.

I've learned it's better to share the fears. To express them, to lay them out in front of you and then call on them by name. So on today's roll call:

Fear of sucking at teaching this week - am taking on more responsibility at student teaching. Every time this happens I freak out.

Fear of not being in control of things like housework, money, homework, and consequently getting farther and farther behind and never seeing the boyfriend and never having human contact with people I so dearly want to hang out with.

Fear of not being cool enough to be friends with certain people that I really admire and want to be friends with...which brings up sixth grade anxiety all over again. Is this what happens when I'm back in a public school setting? Scary.

I'm so frustrated because I wanted to use this blog to just express (if to no one else but myself) the raw awesomeness of life. And I'm not because I'm avoiding and hiding. So here it is, tonight, the raw, sad, pathetic, cowardly list of things I avoid, because thinking about them is too hard. Hmph. I don't feel magically better. Just more honest.