I've come to the realization that I'm sitting here in Nancy, France waiting. Just waiting. Waiting to go to my next class, waiting to go on another little trip, waiting, ulimately, to go home. This is not good. One shouldn't spend all their time waiting. It's important to live in the present. And waiting disconnects you from the present.
It's not that I don't like it here. I've actually experienced many necessary things, leading to a better understanding of myself. I mean, as far as personal growth goes, these months in France rocked. So it was necessary and I'm sure this process isn't over yet. But I feel that I've learned enough, thanks, and would like to come back home now. Which leads me to waiting.
The problem is that I don't have nearly enough to do. Granted, everything in France seems to take more time (for me anyway). It takes 20 min to walk to the grocery store to buy only what can fit into a few bags, which then have to be carried all the way home and up four flights of stairs. Going to the doctor could mean an hour wait or more. Trying to find where on earth they sell peanutbutter could take an afternoon. And yet...I'm BORED. There is not enough to fill my time. I suppose I could do more for my classes...but I find that when I do the very minimum the professors are singing my praises. Anything more would seem like overkill.
Clearly I'm looking for excuses. I just remember being so much more productive when I had 20 credits and my thesis paper due and I also worked. All of this inactivity brings me back to waiting. I have the GIFT of time! Something I may not have much of in the future, I'm well aware. And yet, I am wasting this gift. Must fill this time with something meaningful. Must have a goal. I'm always asking my students what their goals are Sometimes they're quite clever and they turn the question onto me. And then I give them the same blank look they like to give me.
Right. Goals. I feel sheepish about how I don't stay in contact with the people I love. I also realize I don't ever, ever update this blog. So yeah, could work on those things.
1 comment:
Oh, my love. I am praying that you will find meaning in every moment and that you will begin to see each moment as precious... I can see how it could be hard to do that.
I am glad you are taking those trips and doing those things here an there. I am hoping you can find more to fill your time. I wonder if you could toutor a middle school youth in english for free in your last couple of months. Maybe that would feel meaningful?
Funny, you love someone and you want so bad to find solutions to their greif. I support you, but sometimes I don't know what to say to show that. This is one of those times. I will continue to strive.
My love,
Benjamin
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