Life is Short. Be Direct.

Made the decision tonight that it is high time I got around to being honest and direct with friends that have fallen by the wayside. I realize I feel guilty and maybe a bit hurt that we no longer talk and so I want to clear the air. I want to try to fix things that can be fixed. Life is too short to wander around all awkward and weird when a few short words can clear up simple misunderstandings. Or when "I'm sorry" is all that someone needs to hear me say and then connections are reestablished and everyone is friends again, but somehow more aware of the feelings of the other person.

It feels a little like autumn cleaning of yucky, stuck-on hang-ups and emotions. It feels good.

Really, what IS the point?

Have been avoiding this blog. Wait. That's a lie. I'd given up on this blog. And yet, something always brings me back with new ideas and such. Have been toying around with the idea of starting another blog, to write about my issues with eczema, but then that one fizzled out. I mean, I already have a blog, I could keep writing in it. Change is natural and just because the purpose or focus of this blog has changed to the point of being unrecognizable doesn't mean I should just give it up. Eventually everything changes. It's a good thing. And it doesn't need to be hidden.

But the nagging question is...why am I blogging? Originally it was a way to keep in contact with my family overseas as I was teaching in France two years ago. While in France I naively discovered that there are people who write about their lives and make money off it. And I was all like, "wouldn't it be great if I could do that". So I started trying to be clever. Which isn't really clever, its just an affectation. Besides, I can't write with the expectation that I'm writing to a fickle audience. I'd just as soon write to nobody. Which is what I've been doing now for a good long time. I have a private journal where I can really let all the shit out, work through emotions and hard times. The only problem is...I only write in my journal during hard times. There's gotta be some space to celebrate life, and all it's tiny victories. And thus I find my purpose again. I'm chronicling life so that it doesn't pass me by, so that I can really experience it and reflect upon it.

I'm also trying to be more honest and open. Trying to not care so much what people think. I find in my most intimate relationships that my passive-aggressive tendencies are not productive. So maybe this blog (if I can manage to keep it up) will be a place for me to practice being honest and open, instead of silent and stifled. So I can do it more in real life.

And that's all, really. I'm gonna try and update daily. It probably won't happen all the time. But I really want to try and take the time to see my life in a bit of retrospect. Glance back at the day and see the patterns of what takes place over time. Milestones. Taking into account the past and the future. And the present, of course.

Big Kisses,

Cindy

Me Loves

I'm having obsessive love for the following things right now:

peanut butter

flowers

fizzy water

curls

things that are clean

did I mention the peanut butter?

Yeah, that's all.

Where will this one go?

Took a hiatus from the blog. Felt the need to expel tons of inner crap and turmoil into the pages of my journal, where I could be profane and blatantly honest. And reveal myself to myself. That's what journals are for. Am now considering writing again, but may change my mind a million times. What is a writer anyway? Anyone?

Health of the Body

So I promised to write about my health struggles this fall. I was thinking I could get out of it, since my health issues were resolving themselves, and if not immediately in front of my face, I can easily forget things. But alas, these issues are still ongoing, still shoving themselves in front of my face. Damn them!

For general health and exploration of "wellness" I began seeing an acupuncturist in August. Diane, a fellow Baha'i and also a good friend of mine, is incredibly talented, incredibly intuitive...I was hooked with the first session. I initially went to get treatment regulating my crazy monthly cycle and resolving chronic depression. But in the course of our sessions she discovered things that also needed attention, thoughts and attitudes firmly lodged in my body that had to be washed away. I began taking herbs for all of these things and was told to change my diet. On the top of the list: No More Sugar.

So I began trying to cut out more sugar from my diet. However, as I'm kind of like a crack fiend, only with sugar, this was less than successful. And so time passed and I kept working on things and seeing her as much as I could. And then I got the rash.

We (meaning me and everyone I was desperately asking) figured it was an allergic reaction to a new product I'd used on my face. Because the rash, the puffy, swollen, itchy raging rash, was only on my face. Lucky me. I didn't want to go out of the house like that, and I was also strangely tired all the time, so I spent a good week sitting at home (when not at work) watching Grey's Anatomy episodes and sleeping. (consequently not helping the depression thing...nothing makes you feel more isolated and depressed than the plague.) And so I got through it. Acupuncture did help, but as Diane tried different herbs on me, nothing seemed to do the trick. It was healing, so it didn't matter...I got rid of the suspect moisturizer and cleanser and put it all behind me.

Until it happened again. And I was so crushed. A sneaking suspicion, aided by frantic google searches led me to believe it was eczema. Which is something you have for life, once you get it. I have a friend who's sister suffers from it. She has to take a ton of Benadryl and uses steroid creams and still has horrible outbreaks regularly. Not having insurance, I wasn't going to run to a dermatologist immediately. I figured it'd be a big bill, for a diagnosis and a prescription for steroid creams that I didn't really want to take, as over time they damage the skin. My parents had come to town that weekend and I think they were really concerned because they'd never seen anything like it. My mom and I had an appointment at the Aveda Institute and though the girl who did my hair was nice, every other perfectly coiffed girl there glanced in horror at the girl who dared to appear in public with a face like that. At my appointment with Diane a few days later, she scolded me for not calling her sooner, and then after doing some acupuncture, she referred me to Dr. Chen, a Chinese dermatologist who would give me specific herbs to treat my condition.

The next day, I sat in the waiting room of the acupuncture school, flustered because I was late, because I got lost. My meeting with Dr. Chen was quick; she looked at my face, my tongue and felt my pulse. I told her about my symptoms and then sat back in the waiting room as she prepared the herbs. That night I felt like I was in Potions class in the Harry Potter books, brewing my concoction. The tea, I soon found out, was horrid stuff. Horrid. Like drinking vomit. And then there was the list of foods that I could not eat. Some I didn't care about. No mangos, okay. No seafood, no problem. No onions or garlic? What? Are you kidding me? It's only what I put in almost every dish I make. It's only what flavors everything. And then there was no beef, no fried food, no pineapple, no turkey. And cut out almost all sugar. Big surprise.

A week on this new regime was hard. And for some reason I thought it would only take a week. I improved dramatically. When I went back and she gave me more herbs, I was devastated. I felt I deserved a reprieve from the restrictions and the vomit tea. I may have been still detoxing from the sugar, because I became super depressed and didn't want to do anything. But later I got used to it. Used to the tea, and the new eating. I'm actually really grateful...nothing else would have made me quit sugar, but the threat of a horrid rash appearing if I didn't.

My skin has been getting better and better since. Until a few days ago. I think I'm having another episode. But I only think so, because I can hardly tell. I can feel it, and there are small patches of the rash here and there. But so far, no horrible outbreaks or eyes so swollen I can't open them in the morning. I see Dr. Chen tomorrow. This will mean more of the yuckier herbs, I'm sure, but I'm pretty sure we'll get to the bottom of this. With all these changes I feel healthier than I have in a long time. And if nothing else, at least I've learned patience. For long-lasting health benefits it takes a longer treatment. Hopefully I'll never have to resort to medicines that are more damaging than beneficial. Hopefully I can kick this eczema, or whatever it is in the butt.

Second Adolescence

I think Marjan was right. There's a second adolescence that comes in your early to mid twenties. Looking back at pictures from the past few years I have to say, Good Lord, am I awkward! On the brighter side: maybe I'll actually grow up this time...

Thought cued by picture of random baby...

Why do babies look like old men sometimes, but not always? I suspect it has something to do with the bald heads and the ears that stick out. And the need to wear diapers.