It's December! Yay!

I've discovered two things on this first day of December. 1: I'm still in denial about this winter thing. 2: I'm kind of an extreme person.

Let's focus on number one, shall we? I was still wearing flip flops in mid-November. Strange? Yes, but not unheard of, especially in this crazy place called Minnesota where some guys walk around in shorts well into November and then break them out again at the beginning of March, when there's still five feet of snow on the ground. I avoided wearing a coat at all for most of November, choosing instead to wear sweatshirts. For all intents and purposes, a coat would have kept me much warmer, but I couldn't bring myself to even consider it. And now, in December, when it's snowing and 13 degrees Fahrenheit, I am still wearing my light jacket. The jacket I usually put on in early fall if it's a bit chilly. Yes, that one.

On the other hand, I love wearing my scarves, and the hat and mittens that my mom just knitted for me. I love them so much, I wear them inside. This seems to be a step towards acceptance of winter, but don't be fooled. I feel slightly distrustful every time I walk outside and see my breath. I cannot fathom how it got to be that time of year when I have to scrape off my car every morning, add 5 to 10 minutes to my drive, wear socks. I'm typically quite enthusiastic about winter (compared to the average person) but I don't trust it this year. I guess you could say I don't really believe in it. Yet.

On to number two: kind of an extreme person. This is not news to anyone who knows me. Laughing to crying and back again, angry and apologetic, unmotivated and then super inspired. My latest pendulum swing seems to be from wanting to be in complete control and perfect to wanting to drift off into a fantasy world and forget about every single responsibility I have to myself and others. Since I'm a woman, and the ups and downs, back and forth happens every month, I'm slowly realizing I need to embrace this part of myself. I need to swing back and forth, from one to the other. The more I resist going back to one direction the harder everything is for me. So I'm starting to think that maybe the trick is just to swing back sooner, instead of staying at one extreme. Maybe the more I go back and forth, the closer I'll be to finding that middle ground where I have a good mixture of both control and spontaneity. Anyway, it's worth a try, right?

Hmm. Blogging at the beginning of November, and then right at the end. Ah well, at least I'm trying.

I'm at my lunch escape from a busy day of student teaching ESL students in a French immersion school. Feeling...tired. Yesterday I sort of went through the day in a haze, thinking, "I must figure out what to do with these kids!" but having no thoughts consequently come through my muddled head. Later on last night, at Wilde Roast Cafe, the ideas just poured out of me, and now I'm on fire. But still "le tired". I think one of the French interns tried to talk to me, but I was at that point tuned out, thinking about whether my lunch would need another minute to thaw out. No idea what she was trying to say. And then I walked out. I probably looked really rude, but I just didn't understand. And I also have to make a worksheet, write a lesson plan, and figure out if I have any usable video. During my lunch time.

On the way in this morning I kept thinking how great it would be to have a snow day. At the age of 25, it remains that glimmering surprise that could be just around the corner of any winter day. And while I look forward to many things as a teacher, I am definitely looking forward to the chance to have snow days and winter and summer vacations.

This blog post has absolutely no point at all. Except maybe to make me think of where I am right now: it's the last week of my full time student teaching at this placement. Next week I go back to part time, and then I'll say goodbye to l'Etoile du Nord:( And to my university classes:)

And then it's one semester down, Spring semester, two student teaching placements, May term, one student teaching placement and summer classes to go until I am done. Wheeee!

The Positive Place

So there's this book out there called "The Secret" and it's set up like a huge, well, secret that only a select few people know to find true happiness and everything you seek in life. In truth, the "secret" is about manifesting what you want in life by focusing on it. I'm still undecided as to whether or not this works or not, but I figure it does no harm to concentrate on a view of the future where I am confident, competent and all goes well for me and those I love. Hell, I'll even extend it to a picture where the entire world is at peace and happiness reigns.

Tonight I find myself trying really hard to focus on good things in my near and distant future. That fear thing keeps wanting to come in...it's quite persistent, but I just keep this vision of happiness and success in my mind in the hopes that it will stick and become a part of my life. Because I certainly don't feel very happy or successful right now. So many things I feel I have no clue how to do. It all seems like too much for one person to handle, so I flick my switch to "avoid" and then end up farther behind.

What I want to know is, how do those capable people who seem to have everything sorted out and in line in their lives do it? And why can't I? But these questions lead me down the path of negativity and self-doubt. So I'm choosing to direct my thoughts to a positive place, where the seemingly impossible happens. Besides, it feels better than being in that dark place.

Facing vs Feeding Fears

Okay. Now's about the time when I need to shake myself and say, "Stop. Avoiding. Your. Crap." See, the problem is that I have this issue. I eat when I want to avoid my shit. Everybody has a way of avoiding their crap. I tend to think it's a human thing and it's also magnified by a society that focuses on instant gratification. Feel better now vs expressing the unpleasant feeling and then moving on... ideally to better, growth-related things. I have to admit, I'm afraid I'll just move on to more unpleasant things. Life seems to be filled with them.

Okay. So somebody needs to take her Prozac. It's that dark time of year, when you know that winter is coming and the feet of snow and the frozen cars and the short daylight hours are just around the corner. It's easy for me to go into panic mode and think, "We'll all be all alone and isolated all winter long and it will be horrible!" As if we all live miles from each other in the middle of nowhere and had no outside contact at all. It's okay. I'll be fine once winter arrives and I realize that it's just a good excuse to be late, to sit around fires with your friends and plan cozy game nights and drink hot chocolate (or tea in my case...grrr). But for now I feel that foreboding fear that I always feel in late autumn...soon we'll all die.

But back to the eating to avoid my crap thing. I have eating issues. I actually think it's fairly normal. I often wonder how many young women my age have what would technically be considered an eating disorder. Or how many men do too, for that matter. The only thing that was outside the norm in my case was that I realized it was a huge problem for me a few years ago and I got help. Unfortunately, eating disorders never truly go away...they're always lurking in the background. Still, I'm in a much better place. My self-image has improved, I want to be healthy and fully experience the amazing mechanism that is my body. But sometimes those old habits get in the way. One of my favorite coping strategies is eating while simultaneously zoning out (via TV, a book, anything). The more stress, the worse it gets.

I've learned it's better to share the fears. To express them, to lay them out in front of you and then call on them by name. So on today's roll call:

Fear of sucking at teaching this week - am taking on more responsibility at student teaching. Every time this happens I freak out.

Fear of not being in control of things like housework, money, homework, and consequently getting farther and farther behind and never seeing the boyfriend and never having human contact with people I so dearly want to hang out with.

Fear of not being cool enough to be friends with certain people that I really admire and want to be friends with...which brings up sixth grade anxiety all over again. Is this what happens when I'm back in a public school setting? Scary.

I'm so frustrated because I wanted to use this blog to just express (if to no one else but myself) the raw awesomeness of life. And I'm not because I'm avoiding and hiding. So here it is, tonight, the raw, sad, pathetic, cowardly list of things I avoid, because thinking about them is too hard. Hmph. I don't feel magically better. Just more honest.

Pout

The bf is not coming home from his trip tomorrow like he had planned. His job gave him more time off and so he's staying longer. I'm happy for him and sad for me. Why am I so needy lately? I don't get it.

Life is Short. Be Direct.

Made the decision tonight that it is high time I got around to being honest and direct with friends that have fallen by the wayside. I realize I feel guilty and maybe a bit hurt that we no longer talk and so I want to clear the air. I want to try to fix things that can be fixed. Life is too short to wander around all awkward and weird when a few short words can clear up simple misunderstandings. Or when "I'm sorry" is all that someone needs to hear me say and then connections are reestablished and everyone is friends again, but somehow more aware of the feelings of the other person.

It feels a little like autumn cleaning of yucky, stuck-on hang-ups and emotions. It feels good.

Really, what IS the point?

Have been avoiding this blog. Wait. That's a lie. I'd given up on this blog. And yet, something always brings me back with new ideas and such. Have been toying around with the idea of starting another blog, to write about my issues with eczema, but then that one fizzled out. I mean, I already have a blog, I could keep writing in it. Change is natural and just because the purpose or focus of this blog has changed to the point of being unrecognizable doesn't mean I should just give it up. Eventually everything changes. It's a good thing. And it doesn't need to be hidden.

But the nagging question is...why am I blogging? Originally it was a way to keep in contact with my family overseas as I was teaching in France two years ago. While in France I naively discovered that there are people who write about their lives and make money off it. And I was all like, "wouldn't it be great if I could do that". So I started trying to be clever. Which isn't really clever, its just an affectation. Besides, I can't write with the expectation that I'm writing to a fickle audience. I'd just as soon write to nobody. Which is what I've been doing now for a good long time. I have a private journal where I can really let all the shit out, work through emotions and hard times. The only problem is...I only write in my journal during hard times. There's gotta be some space to celebrate life, and all it's tiny victories. And thus I find my purpose again. I'm chronicling life so that it doesn't pass me by, so that I can really experience it and reflect upon it.

I'm also trying to be more honest and open. Trying to not care so much what people think. I find in my most intimate relationships that my passive-aggressive tendencies are not productive. So maybe this blog (if I can manage to keep it up) will be a place for me to practice being honest and open, instead of silent and stifled. So I can do it more in real life.

And that's all, really. I'm gonna try and update daily. It probably won't happen all the time. But I really want to try and take the time to see my life in a bit of retrospect. Glance back at the day and see the patterns of what takes place over time. Milestones. Taking into account the past and the future. And the present, of course.

Big Kisses,

Cindy