My Inner Child Drags Her Feet

It’s been cloudy and rainy here in Nancy for the past two days and I have slept the better part of them. Not completely sure why. My trip was tiring, but not that exhausting. No, I’m beginning to think my body accepts the sleep so my subconscious can work through the upcoming changes in my life. My mind accepts the sleep so as to escape reality.

But today I woke up and the sun was shining brightly. It’s as if God decided to shine a spotlight on His world and say, “Hey, this is beautiful. I dare you to stay holed up in your room another day!” And so I finally went to buy some groceries. And it was beautiful. Breathtakingly so. If you out there in cyber land are lucky, I may take a picture today and add it to this post.

I walked through the park to get to the grocery store. Some children were playing and this blond wisp of a thing was running when she tripped and fell. She sort of looked at the ground in front of her, wondering if she really felt like crying. She did. I kept walking, resisting the instinctual mother gene to run over and pick her up and hug her, since a stranger rushing up and hugging you is more terrifying than helpful. As I heard her plaintive wail that clearly said, “I’m hurt, come and reassure me that it’s okay.” I felt an overwhelming need to sob too. It came so suddenly and I still don’t know if it was because I’m leaving and I will miss this beautiful place, if I fear I can’t find a job and an apartment, or if I’m simply grieving for the change and loss that inevitably comes with it.

Back home and looking at job listings, I feel my procrastination kick in. It’s a sulky child saying, “No! I don’t want to apply for jobs right now! You can’t make me!” But what I realized is, I’m afraid. Afraid I’m not good enough, afraid I don’t deserve happiness and success, afraid my past happiness and success was a fluke.

And then I read my dear friend Mona’s blog and she gives me so much inspiration. I don’t feel so stupidly alone and isolated. There is someone else besides me who has trouble leaving the horizontal position in the morning! I can’t wait to come back home and talk to friends about stuff again. I’m so over hanging out with myself.

I think I’ll leave my damp, dark little dungeon this afternoon, go to a café and write silly postcards to friends I haven’t seen in months. Le soleil. Un café. And maybe some red lipstick, just because.