Facing vs Feeding Fears

Okay. Now's about the time when I need to shake myself and say, "Stop. Avoiding. Your. Crap." See, the problem is that I have this issue. I eat when I want to avoid my shit. Everybody has a way of avoiding their crap. I tend to think it's a human thing and it's also magnified by a society that focuses on instant gratification. Feel better now vs expressing the unpleasant feeling and then moving on... ideally to better, growth-related things. I have to admit, I'm afraid I'll just move on to more unpleasant things. Life seems to be filled with them.

Okay. So somebody needs to take her Prozac. It's that dark time of year, when you know that winter is coming and the feet of snow and the frozen cars and the short daylight hours are just around the corner. It's easy for me to go into panic mode and think, "We'll all be all alone and isolated all winter long and it will be horrible!" As if we all live miles from each other in the middle of nowhere and had no outside contact at all. It's okay. I'll be fine once winter arrives and I realize that it's just a good excuse to be late, to sit around fires with your friends and plan cozy game nights and drink hot chocolate (or tea in my case...grrr). But for now I feel that foreboding fear that I always feel in late autumn...soon we'll all die.

But back to the eating to avoid my crap thing. I have eating issues. I actually think it's fairly normal. I often wonder how many young women my age have what would technically be considered an eating disorder. Or how many men do too, for that matter. The only thing that was outside the norm in my case was that I realized it was a huge problem for me a few years ago and I got help. Unfortunately, eating disorders never truly go away...they're always lurking in the background. Still, I'm in a much better place. My self-image has improved, I want to be healthy and fully experience the amazing mechanism that is my body. But sometimes those old habits get in the way. One of my favorite coping strategies is eating while simultaneously zoning out (via TV, a book, anything). The more stress, the worse it gets.

I've learned it's better to share the fears. To express them, to lay them out in front of you and then call on them by name. So on today's roll call:

Fear of sucking at teaching this week - am taking on more responsibility at student teaching. Every time this happens I freak out.

Fear of not being in control of things like housework, money, homework, and consequently getting farther and farther behind and never seeing the boyfriend and never having human contact with people I so dearly want to hang out with.

Fear of not being cool enough to be friends with certain people that I really admire and want to be friends with...which brings up sixth grade anxiety all over again. Is this what happens when I'm back in a public school setting? Scary.

I'm so frustrated because I wanted to use this blog to just express (if to no one else but myself) the raw awesomeness of life. And I'm not because I'm avoiding and hiding. So here it is, tonight, the raw, sad, pathetic, cowardly list of things I avoid, because thinking about them is too hard. Hmph. I don't feel magically better. Just more honest.