Jai Ho!

So for whatever reason, I was inspired tonight to look up the "Jai Ho" song from Slumdog Millionaire on YouTube. I ended up watching the dance and was transported in my mind to different moments, scenes from the past year. The dancing and the song reminded me instantaneously of seeing Slumdog Millionaire in a theatre in Nancy with a class of 16 year old boys from my school (a perk of being an assistant...free movies, in English -to watch with the students because they're educational) and how all the students laughed at the dance at the end. I laughed too, but loved it at the same time. The other moment was not really one moment, but a kalidescope in my mind of this summer watching Bollywood movies with Mona and Tariq, absorbing the romantic and melodramatic world that is Bollywood. Both thoughts lead me to other thoughts, or rather feelings. I feel such a rich sense of living when I glance back at these things, the music and colors and food all swirls together. I miss Nancy. Terribly. I miss living with Mona at our crazy apartment on the train tracks this summer. I want to go back to those times, want to capture the magic I feel now about them. I didn't feel the magic in the moment then, it's only looking back at what was that makes my heart sing for the joy of living. Maybe the magic is there only because the sense of loss is there as well.

I admit, I've been dragging my steps through the present. It's not as exciting, not as fulfilling, not as ...whatever as those past times were. But I know I can't go back to Nancy now. It's not the same without my particular gang of assistants. Now there are other assistants in Nancy to take our place and I don't know them like I do Natalie, Pedro, Tina, Andres. Mona moved back to the dorms, Tariq went to some southern land far away and took the Bollywood movies with him. Guess this means I can only move forward. I can only try and extract that joy and thrill of living from the present moment. It means many things are happening right now that I will look back on from the future with a thrill of pleasure.

Which leads me to dancing in the kitchen at 11pm, making vegetable soup and singing to myself "Jai Ho!" My roommate probably things I'm five kinds of crazy, but let the record state that this moment wasn't passed up by looking at the past or future.

A Letter to the Narcissists

Dear Narcissist,

I'm done. I'm done being treated as an inferior being. I have waited patiently to be noticed for all the things I did to please you, to be shown a bit of love. It never came. I'm done feeling that one day you'll see the error of your ways. You won't. I'm done thinking I can do something to make you stop hurting me. I can't.

However...

I insist that I be treated with respect. I refuse to let you put me down, demean me and ignore me. I will be heard. No matter what you think. It doens’t matter anymore. I have nothing to lose. You will never value me anyway, so I may as well go down fighting. You won’t see me if I do what you say, you won’t see me if I don’t. But you will respect me. Because I demand it. Because, though I can love you from a distance, I will not let you close enough to hurt me anymore and I only need you to treat me with the respect I deserve when i’m in your presence.

I am intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, capable, empathetic, innovative, strong, and courageous. I have an enormous amount of potential to become everything I’ve ever wanted to be (NOT what you want me to be) and now that I realize I can gain your approval in no way, I am free to do exactly as I please. I am free.

I do my part now, an example to others that we do not have to take it, we can throw it back and come out on top, laughing because it's no longer important what you think. Expect me to call you out on being disrespectful. Expect me to demand you atone for your insensitive comments. Expect me to laugh at your ego. Expect me to succeed and to soar.

Sincerely,

The disgruntled woman

My Boss

I began a job at the beginning of August after three months of unemployment (which was two and a half too many, if you ask me). Now that I've been working for a month, I think I have a pretty good read on my boss.

She appeared deceptively innocent when I first met her. I mean, I was intimidated, but I figured I'd impress her with my willingness to please and my ability to learn. My training period was not smooth sailing, due to the general transitions taking place in the company, but whenever I was overwhelmed more experienced personnel stepped in. My boss was quite flustered with all these changes and fellow workers were nervously watching to see how she'd adjust, how tyrannical she'd become. Turns out she's been tyrannical and ego-centric from the day she was born.

Somehow, from the beginning I was incompetent in every way and she made sure to voice or rather scream her displeasure. I didn't get her what she wanted fast enough, or it wasn't what she really wanted. My attempts to please were met with an expression on her face that basically said, "Ugh! You just don't get it and I hate you!"

By the end of my first full day I was about to collapse, I was so tired. It's a pretty physical job. For the first two weeks I was screamed at. I would look at my boss and ask myself, "Why does she scream all the time?" And cry. Does she cry. Out in the open, for the world to see. Except usually I'm the only one around so I see and hear it all.

Eventually I figured out what was up with the temper and all the crying. She didn't sleep much. She didn't eat much. Tired and crabby = screaming at me to fix it. Now, I know if someone is "The Boss" they should at least know how to eat and sleep in a manner that allows them to function. But not all bosses are that advanced. Not all bosses are adults. Mine happens to have lived on this planet for only five months. Baby Ella doesn't know how to sleep without help and can't eat unless I make and hold the bottle. She needs help to burp, she needs help getting dressed. But I dare you to find a boss that looks cuter in a onesie. Or shrieks with glee when you blow a raspberry. Or can be picked up and carried around.

Yes, Baby Boss and I had some issues at the beginning, but now that we understand each other's weaknesses (hers is that she cannot use words to communicate, mine is that my breasts are not lactating), we're getting along just fine. Have big plans with Pooh and Piglet and Tigger tomorrow:)

Cindy rennt

Must. Detach. Self. From. Computer. Must. Go. For. Run.

The plan was to go at 9:30am. Considering I got up at roughly noon yesterday, this was perhaps a bit over-enthusiastic. However. I did get up around 9:30, had my coffee, an apple and the plan was then to run. And then I went online.

Now, I haven't had good, decent, reliable internet in my own home since...August of 2008. Internet at the TECHNICAL school in Nancy, France was intermittent at best, usually non-existent. Summertime apartment where I stayed for 3 and a half months wasn't worth bothering Comcast with. But now. The possibilities. I have internet that can be looked at ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! Why wasn't this a part of my life when I was unemployed? Or only working 8 hours a week? Probably so I didn't forget how to read a book.

But now all those practices of self-restraint, responsibility, and time management must all be put into practice again. I have a huge to-do list today. I have stopped eating proper meals and getting proper exercise because of this gift/curse. (I assume my popsicles, though made of real fruit juice, are not a proper meal on anybody's food pyramid.) So I will go running. I will take a shower and call everyone I said I'd call and use the internet for practical purposes and not entertainment. I will go to the bank. But by God, at the end of today, I'm going to steam episodes of my favorite shows that I missed while in France. And eat popsicles.

Nostalgie

There's a radio station in Nancy, France (actually, maybe in all of France, not sure) that's called Nostalgie. It plays older, nostalgic songs. This September time, this back-to-school time, this new apartment time is full of nostalgie. I think about all the other places I've moved in to. And moved out of. I think of all the friends I made and then left. I think about the scents, the music of those other times and places. I can play an album and be transported back to a time when listening to that genre or artist was vital for my continued existence. Which reminds me...I need some new music. But anyway.

Apart from the nostalgia, I've also been a bit overstimulated. Autumn will do that to you. Why, you ask? Because I say it does. Because my memories compounded by the sights and sounds of the State Fair, the moving, the students in the streets, the changing of leaves and seasons, the boxes filled with STUFF sitting around my white-walled apartment hits my brain with such a jolt that I run to my bed and curl up under the covers. And dream weird things that I later relive in brief flashes as deja-vu.

All of this is not to say that I'm unhappy with this state of affairs. I'm pretty happy, despite the fact that the chaos has contributed to my scattered brain and caused me to forget my phone at home twice now. And it's incredible, the number of times I think, "Ugh, I don't have the number for this person cuz I don't have my phone. Ooh, I could call so and so for the number! Oh wait..."

The fact that I have internet now is awesome. The internet and I have rekindled our flame of love and I haven't gone to bed at a decent time the past few days because of this. The best thing about this is I can actually try to have more regular blog postings and I can also talk to friends far away on Skype. God bless the internet!!