Reclusive

I've been hiding away from the world. It's probably not healthy anymore. I might need to be firmly pulled from my shell, my warm, soothing shell that cuts off the interacting, before this snail becomes completely entrenched.

Change is scary

current mood: simultaneously hopeful and skeptical

1-10: 7.5

Apartment searching. Thinking about what I want from a habitation for the next two years. Wanting to stop the cycle of moving twice a year. Affordability vs location vs quality of apartment.

Applying for MinnesotaCare insurance. Thinking about the fact that I may make too much to get it. The line is very fine when the government decides if a person can afford to buy their own health insurance or not. If you make a few dollars too many, then you are deemed rich enough to pay over $150/month for second rate insurance where you're only covered in an accident that may or may not ever happen. And you can forget about dental. I may not get new contact lenses for years...

Thinking about money. And how I don't have any. And how I just need to hold on for a few more weeks...

Thinking about family and friends. And how I need to let them in, keep in contact, share the love.

Thinking about little ambitions of mine. And maybe moving ahead and making things happen. Scariness.

Questions

Current mood: sullen and rebellious

Scale of 1-10: 7.8 and going up:)

Why?

Why did I feel super sexy and satisfied with the size and shape of my body when I was walking home tonight listening to some Kanye West, but felt like a rotund whale when I was singing classical choral music? Who says beauty, and weight, isn't culturally specific? What does it mean when I get hit on more by men who are not of my race? Why does my desirableness matter, anyway?

Reproduction?

Hmm. Probably.

Gettin' holla'd at,

that chic strutting her stuff

Random Thoughts

-"recreational sugar" is a good way to describe those times when eating a thousand cookies becomes justifiable just because they're set out on a plate at a party. It's like crack. (Thanks Jess)

-I have no cash in my wallet and what's worse, I have no receipts in my wallet masquerading as cash. Odd how the little pieces of paper from former purchases make me feel better about no longer having cash.

-I've been napping a lot lately. A LOT. In fact, after this post, I'm going home to nap some more.

-I have a job that will not start for awhile. It's great, but I'm broke for the month of July and am going to donate plasma. Is it really a donation if I'm only doing it for the cash?

-Feeling guilty that I'm not a more giving person. Also that I'm not a more functional person. Also that I didn't put the damn tabs on my license plate and got fined for $108, roughly the amount of money in my bank account. Better start producing a TON of plasma.

-Coffee houses are overrated. Wifi internet connection, however, is not.

Shout Out:

...to my friend Jessica Mann, who is coming back to the glorious Midwest soooooo soon! This girl rocks my world. She is the kind of girl who's gutsy enough to apply for an awesome fellowship, get the money, live in Berlin for a year doing various awesome internships, date a cool German guy named Karsten, move to Munich to be with said boyfriend when he has to move there for a job, find an apartment, a job and a visa in new place (in strict, rule-loving Germany!) and be all around awesome. She hosted me in Berlin twice in situations where I was poor and alone in France and showed me a good time each time. She is so delightfully honest and funny and witty and adorable. I've loved this girl since the first year of college when we were randomly paired as roommates. I remember the first conversation we had on the phone, before we'd even met each other, and we were both like, "dude! this girl is totally like me!"

Come to Minneapolis already and lets go for a walk on the Stone Arch Bridge! Gros bisous!!!!

Feeling My Feelings

Mad. Mad that potential employers won't call me back. Mad that I don't understand my new computer. Mad that I can't stay positive. Mad that I'm spending money and not making it. Mad that I can't be organized and pleasant. Mad that my interpersonal relationships are feeling a bit uneasy. Mad that I feel incompetent. Mad at myself, mad at the world. Mad at about the fact that I'm not really angry, I'm just stagnant and am looking for a driving emotion.

Waaaaaahhhhh!

Unemployed

I have a new computer.  One that actually works with that thing called the internet.  One that actually allows me to update my blog.  Which is what I'm doing.  

How am I doing?  Friends and family ask me this.  I'm not sure what to say.  Because I'm unemployed.  Thus I feel like a non-functioning member of society (not true...I still have to buy stuff, like food).  I have the job of looking for work, sending millions of emails with my resume attached to them, calling employers of all kinds, but I find there's a lot of time to sink into the unemployment stupor.  The one where you watch movies and eat ice cream as a way to escape the reality that you have nothing to do today.  Luckily I have been generally able to avoid the unemployment stupor this time around, by giving myself a daily to-do list and kicking myself out of my apartment as much as possible.  And it all seems to be working okay...except I'm not getting a job.  I'm working on myself, trying to take the time (because I have so much of it anyway) to really listen to my inner voice.  My inner voice that tells me, "I'm bored...".  

What's a girl to do?  Sit in a coffeeshop and update her blog, I guess.  Maybe I'll get adventurous and do something with pictures.  Maybe someone will walk up and give me a job spontaneously.  Maybe I'll...find some ice cream.  Yeah, I can handle that task.